Heart2Heart
Opposite sex friendships After Marriage:Can Men and Women be Just Friends?
ONE thing that produces marital strife in today’s world is friendships with the opposite sex. In our society, men and women often have friendships with each other outside of marriage, and in some cases these are very close.
However, when one or both friends are married to another person, too often the spouse feels threatened by the friendship and it can lead to tensions, distrust, and accusations and can even tear a marriage apart. How should such friendships be handled? What priorities and boundaries should be set?
First of all, I don’t think men and women should build close intimate friendships with each other outside of a committed relationship. It is not appropriate to build emotional closeness without a plan in place to head towards marriage. Men and women can be friends, but they shouldn’t be sharing their deepest feelings and dreams if they want to remain just friends. Intimacy between a man and woman should be reserved for marriage, period. It is part of the beauty and sacredness of marriage that your spouse knows you more deeply and intimately than anyone else. Your spouse alone should know your innermost secrets, hopes, and desires.
A lot of people, however, will object at this point. Men and women can maintain a purely platonic friendship, they say. They will point to a friendship or two in which they were very close but never had feelings for the other person and will testify that their close friendships of the opposite sex have been good for them, filled a need for them, etc. My response to that is that of course these friendships fill a need – a need that should be filled by your spouse (or your future spouse). We all have a deep desire to be intimately known, to be accepted just as we are, to make deep emotional connections with another. But this need was meant to bring a husband and wife together to fill this need in each other. It is not appropriate to fill this need outside of marriage any more than it is appropriate to fill the need for sex outside marriage. The problem is, we like to think in little boxes. We want to put emotional closeness and sexual attraction in separate boxes and pretend that they’re totally unconnected. We believe we can have emotional closeness with someone of the opposite sex without having “feelings” for them. The problem is, we aren’t robots that can put things in little boxes and keep them that way. We are integrated beings. We are designed to build emotional closeness that leads to physical attraction and its culmination in physical and emotional unity through sex. Again, that’s supposed to draw a husband and wife together. The marriage relationship is about more than just having sex. For that matter, sex is more than just a physical act. Sex is a physical, emotional, and spiritual bonding experience that is designed to merge two people into a single unit. Just as physical closeness (such as kissing and cuddling) are preparation for this marital unification, so too is emotional closeness. The physical and the emotional go hand in hand to bring the kind of unity that God designed marriage to be.
Because of this, when you are married, emotional intimacy with someone other than your spouse is cheating. It may not be physical, but it’s still sharing with someone else what should only be shared with your spouse. Such emotional affairs are not only wrong in themselves, but dangerous. Most adulterous affairs begin with a seemingly innocent emotional closeness with an opposite sex friend. It’s part of God’s design for our sexuality that we feel physical desire when we have emotional intimacy. This is a beautiful truth within marriage. Emotional closeness brings husband and wife together to show their love for each other physically, and the physical act of sex bonds them even tighter emotionally. Both male and female bodies even release a hormone called oxytocin that triggers emotional bonding after sex. This is the way God meant it to be within marriage. But when a person allows emotional closeness to form with someone to whom they are not married, their body will, sooner or later, want to respond as if they were married. Even if an emotional affair does not become a physical one, it still causes damage to the marriage relationship. For one thing, the emotional energy that is invested in the inappropriate friendship is energy that is not invested where it should be – in the marriage. If you feel the need to express hidden desires and feelings to someone else, it is a sign that your marriage has a problem and your immediate response should be to work to fix the problem and restore intimacy in your marriage. Sharing with another person of the opposite sex ignores the problem, allowing the gap to widen between husband and wife, while also building closeness with someone else. No wonder it leads to so many problems. In addition, when a spouse learns of an emotional affair, they often feel betrayed (and for good reason). This can cause a lot of hurt as well as further rifts in the relationship. Thus, even when an inappropriate friendship does not turn physical, it is still extremely harmful. Because of the design of our sexuality, we need to guard our hearts in order to protect our marriages. While men and women can be platonic friends, that will only happen if there is an emotional reserve between them. In other words, we should not build intimate friendships with the opposite sex outside of marriage. With this is mind, we should be extremely careful what we share with others, especially those of the opposite sex. Even what is shared with friends of the same sex should be limited (though, obviously, there’s less cause for concern that inappropriate sharing will lead to inappropriate physical acts). The need to share your inner desires and feelings should bring you back to your spouse to fill that need.
Note:
A question that often arises is what to do when a husband and wife are having problems and they can’t seem to talk to each other or regain the intimacy in their marriage. The default position should be to work out your problems with your spouse, not to talk to someone else about how to “fix” your marriage. However, sometimes there is a rift that does require outside advice. Sometimes counseling is needed. Ideally, a husband and wife should see a counselor together, but that requires both spouses to participate. Sometimes a spouse has to get help alone. In that case, here is my advice. Anyone you tell about your marriage struggles should be:
Your same sex,
A happily married mentor figure, and
Given only enough detail to allow them to help and pray for you.
You want to avoid using anyone (male or female) as a dumping bin for all of your frustrations instead of working them out as a couple. And you want to avoid ranting about your spouse on a regular basis to someone who takes your side all the time. This will only cause you to focus on the negative qualities and turn your heart further away from your spouse. The proper kind of mentor figure, if you must confide in one, will challenge you to change yourself, not your spouse. After all, you are the only one you can change.
By Ogunkoya Odunayo.
Imagine being on a first date you couldn’t end? That’s what happened to a woman in China whose video blogs about going into a citywide lockdown during a blind date have gone viral.
Over 100 virus cases have been reported in the central Chinese city of Zhengzhou since last week, as China battles to contain multiple local outbreaks of the Delta and Omicron variants.
Parts of the city were abruptly placed under lockdown last Wednesday when a woman surnamed Wang was having dinner at her blind date’s house.
“Just after I arrived in Zhengzhou, there was an outbreak, and his community was put under lockdown and I could not leave,” Wang told Shanghai-based outlet The Paper on Tuesday, adding that she went there for a week-long trip to meet potential suitors.
“I’m getting old now, my family introduced me to ten matches… The fifth date wanted to show off his cooking skills and invited me over to his house for dinner.”
Since then, Wang has posted short videos documenting her daily life in lockdown, which show her date cooking meals for her, doing household chores, and working at his laptop while she sleeps in, according to clips published by local media.
So far it seems romance has yet to blossom during their prolonged date, according to Wang who says she’s looking for a more talkative partner.
“Besides the fact that he’s as mute as a wooden mannequin, everything else (about him) is pretty good,” Wang told The Paper. “Despite his food being mediocre, he’s still willing to cook, which I think is great.”
Wang did not disclose her age or the identity of the man in the videos.
Related hashtags have racked up over six million views on the Twitter-like social media site Weibo by Wednesday.
However, Wang said the recent surge in online attention prompted her to remove the videos.
“Friends have been calling him and I think this has definitely affected his life, so I have taken them down for now,” she said in a video posted Tuesday that was widely republished in Chinese local media.
“Thanks, everyone for your attention… I hope the outbreak ends soon and that my single sisters also find a relationship soon.”
The UAE issued its first civil marriage license for a non-Muslim couple, state media reported Monday, as the Gulf country seeks to keep its edge over regional competitors.
The United Arab Emirates — where foreigners make up 90 percent of the approximately 10-million population — has been amending its laws to present itself as a modernising force in a largely conservative region.
The official WAM news agency said a Canadian couple were the first to marry under a new law on the personal status of non-Muslims in the Emirati capital Abu Dhabi.
The move “contributes to the consolidation of Abu Dhabi’s position as a world leading destination for skills and expertise from around the world,” WAM said.
Civil marriage in the Middle East, the birthplace of Islam, Christianity and Judaism, is uncommon and usually conducted under a religious authority of one of the three monotheistic beliefs.
Civil marriages are allowed in Tunisia and Algeria.
While some countries in the region allow civil unions based on certain conditions, some only recognise civil marriages conducted abroad and others not at all.
Late last year, the UAE revamped an array of laws in a social liberalisation drive designed to burnish its progressive brand.
These included lifting a ban on unmarried couples living together, loosening restrictions on alcohol and offering long-term residencies.
Earlier this month, the UAE announced it will move to a Western-style Saturday-Sunday weekend.
Starting on January 1, 2022, the Emirates will become the only Gulf country not to observe weekends from Friday, the Muslim day of prayer, to Saturday.
Competition is hotting up as neighbouring Saudi Arabia, seeking to diversify its oil-reliant economy, aims to turn its capital Riyadh into an international hub.
Saudi Arabia has lifted a ban on women drivers and eased its strict Islamic dress code.
Last year, Riyadh said it would not sign contracts with companies that have their regional headquarters outside the kingdom.
Heart2Heart
Happy posthumous birthday, my husband, best friend – Florence Ajimobi pens emotional message to late hubby
I’m glad to be able to write again. I recently reclined into my shell (guess I’m allowed to sometimes, as a human being) but I just cannot let this season pass without saying how special it is, especially because it is your birthday season. Even death cannot stop me from celebrating you.
December 16 has always been one of my favourite days in the year because it is your day and on this day, the children and I get to show you how much we appreciate you for being the best husband and dad in the world. I promise to continue to celebrate this special day as long as there is breath in me.
I look back at your landmark birthdays and I smile at all the beautiful memories.
Your 40th birthday in 1989 was a very special one. It was the first big party we ever hosted. We also used that opportunity to have the house warming ceremony of our Oluyole house. You never liked to be the centre of attraction and kept complaining about having a party and spending so much money after moving into a new house. I didn’t listen to you and went ahead to celebrate you in my own way. I remember vividly, the blue and white lace dress I made for both of us. You came to me during the party and said “Florie this fabric will be very nice as a bedspread so after the party, you can make my agbada into a bedspread”. I asked you why and you said you wouldn’t wear it again as it was too heavy. I just laughed and walked away. But you did enjoy yourself and that was enough for me.
Your 50th birthday in 1999 was also held in Ibadan. We lived in Lagos at that time but every special day of our lives were celebrated in Ibadan. As usual, I went all out to have a party for you and invited all your friends from Lagos and other parts of the country. You danced so well at the party and you were sprayed a lot of money which I gladly kept for myself. After all, I was the assistant celebrant and planner. You had so much fun and told me after the party “Florie I am now beginning to enjoy your parties”. That actually made me happy.
Your 60th birthday was on another level. That was one party you never complained about. You were a politician and we had to accommodate the politicians as well. We had a big party at the Recreation Centre, Ibadan in 2009. Our children, already grown also invited their friends. I saw a different Abiola and I kept wondering how you accepted the entire party plan without complaining. I remember how your mum (of blessed memory) graced the party with her friends from Gbagi. Her gele was ‘Onile Gogoro’. It was enormous and beautiful. No one needed to be told that Mama was very proud of you. You both even had a mother and son dance (at a birthday party). You were happy and kept saying, “Thank you Florie” even days after the party.
On your 69th birthday, we decided to have a roundtable, as opposed the usual birthday party and during the roundtable, you said, “Florie, this is how I want to celebrate my birthday every year – I don’t want a party, I want something intellectual.” I remember murmuring to myself, ‘here he goes again, Efiko’ but I knew that I would do everything within my power to make it happen again.
The next roundtable on your 70th was organized by the children without any input from us. Initially, you were paranoid about them doing this but at the end of it all you were thrilled at the fact that our children proved that they could handle such an important event on their own. You said, “Florie, now you know my children are not spoilt – they organized this event without us and it is the BEST PARTY ever.” I was elated to see you beaming with joy and most importantly, pride.
I am thankful to God that even without you here, I have the grace and strength to do what I enjoy doing – telling the world how special you are to me and how you will live in my heart forever. Shame on you, Death! You can never kill my LOVE for Abiola Adeyemi Ajimobi.
Then last year, we hosted the first Senator Abiola Ajimobi Foundation (SAAF) Roundtable without you. It was tough but God remained faithful. I cried that morning when I went to the venue to make sure everything was fine. I kept saying to myself, “what will Abiola say?”, “what will Abiola do?” My Abiola was a perfectionist. I am grateful to God that the event went even better than I expected. Thank God for the great support system I have. I couldn’t believe that same venue which was filled with so much joy the previous year was where we were celebrating your posthumous birthday , but who am I to question God?
As we prepare to celebrate you on your 72nd posthumous birthday roundtable, I want to reiterate and reaffirm that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.
You were my perfect man,
My best friend,
My hero!
I will forever love you and hold you in my heart.
Life has not been easy for me and the children without you, but we will continue to hold on firmly to GOD.
Rest on, my ever selfless, loving, caring, protective, dependable and romantic best friend. If there is reincarnation, I will choose you over and over again as my husband.
I love you and I miss you.
Happy Birthday my best friend and soul mate.
Your Masterpiece of Nature,
FFA.
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