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Divorce : A new vogue in marriage.

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MARRIAGE is no doubt the most essential fact in procreation as ordained by God. It is a divine instruction from God to which all mortals must submit.

Unfortunately, this age long secret institution is now been threatened by gales of divorce which is now an hallmark in the Nigerian Society.  Divorce is no respecter of age, sex, colour, creed, social status, religion or any consideration. On this note, it is expedient to look at issues that may leads to divorce and what could be done to check mate the ugly trend by both partners.

However, about 85 percent of married couples in Africa divorce. According to the Africa culture, Divorce is a bad orientation but these days the divorce rate in marriages in Africa has gone high.

The central focus of my remarks will be to explicate the role that marital education, family counseling and related services might play in promoting and strengthen healthy marriages. The rationale is reasonably straight forward, about a third of all children born in Africa each year are born out of wedlock. Similarly, about half of all first marriages end in divorce and children who are single-parented do not enjoy the love of a healthy home unlike children who grow up living in an intact household with both biological parents.

Concern about these trends in out-of-wedlock births and divorce, coupled with the gnawing realities that child poverty is inextricably bound up with family structure. The focus on marriage was met with skepticism by others. Critics argued that marriage was not an appropriate province for government intervention and that income and opportunity structures were much more important factor than family structure.

Although every married couple experience difficulties in their relationships at some time, it is possible to strengthen and rebuild a relation. This leads to the question, why do people go from happily married to divorce? Something happens between the two points and it has very little to do with infidelity or falling out of love and everything to do with the two people who are a party to the marriage.

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More so, there is a misguided belief that marriage will make partners happy as if marriage is an entity but something outside us will make it survive and thrive with little input from a husband and wife. Women plan huge weddings; throw bridal showers and go into marriage not having any idea what marriage is. Men find a woman to care for, adore and work to take care of , only to find himself married to someone who only want more and then a little more after  that.

Therefore, when both become disillusioned with their marriage, they start looking outside themselves to define the problems in the marriage instead of looking at the situation and asking, “What can I do to make things better?”

It is easier to blame spouse or marriage in general than to take responsibility for how  they are living on the inside and what possible changes they may need to make that will allow marriage flourish.

In other words, people are too lazy to do the self-exploration, learn better relationship skills and put the needed personal effort into a marriage. Marriage takes hard work and if you are not committed to working hard a marriage won’t last. Therefore, lack of communication skills in marriage brings about divorce. Pure and simple, people don’t know how to talk to each other and they know less about listening.  The most important conversations (like, I love you, thank you, I’m sorry, take care and so on) spouse have with each other are put with little effort and there is zero tolerance listening to their spouse.

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Hence, if you can’t communicate, you can’t solve marital problems. The easiest way to build trust in a marital relationship is via open and honest communication skills. If TALKING and LISTENING do not become a habit, there is no hope.

According to Sam Walton, “High expectations are the key to everything” unless of course when we talking about marriage. Expectation and Laziness can go hand in hand when it comes to predicting whether a marriage will end in divorce.

The woman who buys the expensive wedding gown probably also has very high expectation of marriage. Men and women both make a lot of assumptions when it comes to marriage and what to expect from a marriage.

Therefore, marital expectation rarely aligns with the realities of what life is like in marriage. There are chances of divorce but it can be avoided by those who are willing to work hard at marriage, those who know how to effectively communicate and those whose expectations are realistic.

When marriage is going the wrong way, there are ways in turning it around with some ideas to consider.

Your spouse is the best friend you have, you’re a team. Know yourself, without self knowledge you can not be in charge of  your own life, without knowing what the other one thinks, you cannot have unity as a couple.

Consider how the responsibilities are divided in your home.

Discipline of children

Chores

finances

Other responsibilities

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Sit down and work out what is your biggest problem at present

Lack of respect

Lack of communication

Physical / emotional abuse

Money

Work

Religion children’s conduct relatives

Alcohol / drugs/ gambling

Sex issues

Health

Recreation

*Know the actions that lead to team destruction

Criticism

Blame

Nagging

Yelling

Complaining

Use of silence as punishment

Threatening

*The road to building your marriage

Love

Trust

Support

Encourage

Accept

Be active listening

Remind yourself that things and people change: review and remind yourself this.

Talk to your spouse about the things that you are willing to change in order to make things work. Explain that you want to deal with the issues straight on

Ask for advice: whether you talk to a marriage counselor, family member or friends get advice from several different sources.

Rekindle the romance: spend more time doing things that both like. Focus on what the two of you still have in common. Work on being friends, not just partners.

In conclusion, marriages have to be nurtured, if not, partners fall victim to  myriad of problems.

 

By Ogunkoya Odunayo.

 

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When is the proper time to start courtship?

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The Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary defines courtship as the time when two people have a romantic relationship before they get married. By simple interpretation, It is the beginning of a journey to marriage; an act of seeking to gain love or affection with a view toward marriage.

In a nut shell, courtship isn’t a time of experimentation but of exploration and the prelude to a possible engagement. It is indeed the foundation of marriage, because it determines how healthy the union is going to be. Even though, its purpose is to provide a couple time to discover, assess, and evaluate their compatibility as potential lifelong marriage partners; yet courtship is labelled as a deceptive period in a relationship. Interestingly, It is possible to have a good , interesting and exciting courtship and miss it in marriage.

At this juncture, it is imperative to note that no matter how long a period of courtship may be, people will start knowing the real colour after the marriage, however, every road a man takes is as a result of choice, thus this period also can be as a result of choice we make.

Truly, the activity of courtship may not guaranteed engagement or marriage but a controlled step towards it, it must have some objective guides that will allow either party to know the proper time to start and; they are as follows:

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When you are close to the end of your learning 

Whichever the route one is taking in life, one will need to work hard and focus on the journey before getting into relationship. Courtship becomes a dangerous distraction when it is started too early along the journey of life. It will be better for a student to get to at least 300 Level before engaging in this necessary, important yet distractive adventure.

If your vision is to finish from secondary school and settle down , then being engaged at SSS II may be okay. But for a young man who wants to be an Engineer or Medical Doctor, it will be totally wrong to begin such a relationship by that time.

When you can handle opposite sex effectively

If you cannot control love then do not go into it. I do not agree with the saying that love is blind. Love is not blind, it is the person involve that cannot control himself or herself. Therefore it is not advisable to involve in a race that you cannot run effectively. You should be able to know what is good or bad and as the same time know what to do about it before jumping into it.

When you can boldly introduce him or her 

When you cannot boldly and joyfully introduce him or her to your parent, guardian, mentor or people who care for you. It is an indication that it is not yet time. I heard some young people say ” my daddy will kill me if he catches me with opposite sex”. Even if you cannot tell your parent, you should be able to tell your Pastor, Imam or mentor.

ALSO READ  When is the proper time to start courtship?

A relationship without someone to guide you may end up no where. Anyone who wants to go along in a relationship with you without wanting, especially your Pastor or Imam to know about it is an indication that it is not yet time. Tell him or her to wait until he or she can take you to those people before your acceptance . Secret relationship usually leads to open disgrace, so be wise.

After 24years

If your education is not fast and probably you are yet to gain admission into higher institution by 24, especially for ladies, please at this age whatever you are planning , do not neglect marriage out of it . After twenty four years for a lady in my opinion, should go into a relationship but never do it without pastoral or parent approval.

When you can no longer hold yourself 

Sex is not a sin when it is within the context specified by religion and culture. Once you know you can finance yourself because it may not be okay to get married while you are still being spoon-fed by your parent. However, it is better to get married early and avoid fornication than allow sexual pressure to make you fall back from the faith.

When there are resources to maintain it

You do not need to wait until when you build a mansion before you can start enjoying the benefits of marriage, especially, when you have resources to maintain the courtshitowards

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Marriage: Should couples operate joint bank accounts?

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Marriage is the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship, specifically between a man and a woman. 

Traditionally, when couples get married they tactically merged their money. This serves as a symbolic gesture of showing the union of two people in one unit. However, research has revealed that more than 42% of people in marriage with joint accounts also operate separate accounts. Should we now say operating a joint account with a spouse is a blessing or a curse?.

Interestingly, operating a joint account has its pros and cons. The symbolic gesture gives access to money whenever its needed as both party has the right to deposit and make withdrawals at will. Also, there is little or no way of encountering financial surprise as you both know when money goes in and out of the account.

To some extent, it also builds up the level of trust you both have for each other. Trust plays a significant role in the overall happiness of the couple as marriage is a lifetime commitment. Spouse feels more comfortable to know that he or she is committing to someone he/she can trust and confide thoughts, feelings and worries to.

Despite its pros, having a joint account (s) with your spouse can also result to loss of financial independence especially early in marriage. In a related development, it can also give rise or bring about rift in marriage especially when they don’t tell each other what the money withdrawn is used for.

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While interacting with married couples on this contentious issue, to my amazement few people were in support of Joint Account especially the female folks. At this point, what is trust in a marriage?

Opening a Joint Account is not a bad idea, but there must be some laid down rules to make it work.

There should be an agreement between you and your spouse on what percentage of your monthly take home should be dropped into your Joint Account and also the money has to be used for the purpose it was meant for, which may include house upkeep, payment of school fees for the children and every other things to be attended to in the house. In fact, it saves the hassle of sending money to each other and also makes it easier to keep track of your joint monthly spending.

Then the remaining percentage can be used for other personal matters. This in turn will make your home stronger as you will both feel responsible. No doubt, you will both trust each other and you will also discover that you will live happily.

 

 

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NAFDAC boss recommends capital punishment for fake drug manufacturers, dealers 

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The Director-General of the National Agency for Food and Drugs Administration and Control,NAFDAC, Professor Mojisola Adeyeye  on Tuesday recommended capital punishment for fake drugs manufacturers and dealers in the country.

According to the NAFDAC boss,  this will serve as deterrent to those she labeled “merchants of death” and put an end to the unwholesome production and marketing of fake drugs.

Professor Adeyeye who.featured in a special interview programme on the Television and Radio Channels of the Broadcasting Corporation of Oyo State, BCOS  and monitored by Mega Icon magazine  disclosed “NAFDAC is working on more intense punishment on fake and hard drugs.The existing penalty for drug pedlling is not stiff enough.  I’m not against capital punishment for drug peddlers. Some hardened drug peddlers deserve capital punishment.

“We will not hesitate to close all the lines of companies falsifying drugs.The war on fake drugs is a marathon.It is all over the world.”

The NAFDAC Director-General while speaking on the prevalence rate of fake drugs in the country explained that “the prevalence rate of falsified products is about 10 per cent,meaning one in every 10 drugs being manufactured in Nigeria is fake.This figure is less worldwide.”

While x-raying the activities of the regulatory agency,she disclosed that in 2019,NAFDAC intercepted and destroyed fake drugs worth one point three trillion Naira adding that the Inspection and Enforcement Directorate of the agency is being strengthened to curb the activities of fake drug manufacturers and dealers.

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On NAFDAC’s intervention in the global search for solution to the coronavirus pandemic,Professor Adeyeye said as a vibrant member of the global community,Nigeria is also in the race for global cure for COVID-19.

She said “clinical trial treatment is going on in different parts of the country. NAFDAC reviews protocol to ensure subjectand patient is protected.”

“For instance,the clinical trials going on in Lagos involves Chlo to qui me and other therapeautics.”

She added that about 90 countries are currently working on vaccine research and production but regretted that Nigeria which had been in the forefront of vaccine production for 50 years was not presently in the race.

The Professor of Pharmaceutics kicked against the use of foreign herbal medicine to cure the ravaging coronavirus in Nigeria,saying”we should search for our own local medicine which may have same effectiveness.

She however said the agency was still waiting for samples of Madagascar COVID Organics which will go through safety studies and possibly clinical trial to ascertain its safety for use by patients.

Professor Adeyeye while commenting on the possible benefits of chloroquine and remdesivir in the treatment of COVID-19 said remdesivir is not yet commercially available and very expensive while the use of chloroquine is limited to clinical trial setting and not should be used unless prescribed by a physician.

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