MARRIAGE is no doubt the most essential fact in procreation as ordained by God. It is a divine instruction from God to which all mortals must submit.
Unfortunately, this age long secret institution is now been threatened by gales of divorce which is now an hallmark in the Nigerian Society. Divorce is no respecter of age, sex, colour, creed, social status, religion or any consideration. On this note, it is expedient to look at issues that may leads to divorce and what could be done to check mate the ugly trend by both partners.
However, about 85 percent of married couples in Africa divorce. According to the Africa culture, Divorce is a bad orientation but these days the divorce rate in marriages in Africa has gone high.
The central focus of my remarks will be to explicate the role that marital education, family counseling and related services might play in promoting and strengthen healthy marriages. The rationale is reasonably straight forward, about a third of all children born in Africa each year are born out of wedlock. Similarly, about half of all first marriages end in divorce and children who are single-parented do not enjoy the love of a healthy home unlike children who grow up living in an intact household with both biological parents.
Concern about these trends in out-of-wedlock births and divorce, coupled with the gnawing realities that child poverty is inextricably bound up with family structure. The focus on marriage was met with skepticism by others. Critics argued that marriage was not an appropriate province for government intervention and that income and opportunity structures were much more important factor than family structure.
Although every married couple experience difficulties in their relationships at some time, it is possible to strengthen and rebuild a relation. This leads to the question, why do people go from happily married to divorce? Something happens between the two points and it has very little to do with infidelity or falling out of love and everything to do with the two people who are a party to the marriage.
More so, there is a misguided belief that marriage will make partners happy as if marriage is an entity but something outside us will make it survive and thrive with little input from a husband and wife. Women plan huge weddings; throw bridal showers and go into marriage not having any idea what marriage is. Men find a woman to care for, adore and work to take care of , only to find himself married to someone who only want more and then a little more after that.
Therefore, when both become disillusioned with their marriage, they start looking outside themselves to define the problems in the marriage instead of looking at the situation and asking, “What can I do to make things better?”
It is easier to blame spouse or marriage in general than to take responsibility for how they are living on the inside and what possible changes they may need to make that will allow marriage flourish.
In other words, people are too lazy to do the self-exploration, learn better relationship skills and put the needed personal effort into a marriage. Marriage takes hard work and if you are not committed to working hard a marriage won’t last. Therefore, lack of communication skills in marriage brings about divorce. Pure and simple, people don’t know how to talk to each other and they know less about listening. The most important conversations (like, I love you, thank you, I’m sorry, take care and so on) spouse have with each other are put with little effort and there is zero tolerance listening to their spouse.
Hence, if you can’t communicate, you can’t solve marital problems. The easiest way to build trust in a marital relationship is via open and honest communication skills. If TALKING and LISTENING do not become a habit, there is no hope.
According to Sam Walton, “High expectations are the key to everything” unless of course when we talking about marriage. Expectation and Laziness can go hand in hand when it comes to predicting whether a marriage will end in divorce.
The woman who buys the expensive wedding gown probably also has very high expectation of marriage. Men and women both make a lot of assumptions when it comes to marriage and what to expect from a marriage.
Therefore, marital expectation rarely aligns with the realities of what life is like in marriage. There are chances of divorce but it can be avoided by those who are willing to work hard at marriage, those who know how to effectively communicate and those whose expectations are realistic.
When marriage is going the wrong way, there are ways in turning it around with some ideas to consider.
Your spouse is the best friend you have, you’re a team. Know yourself, without self knowledge you can not be in charge of your own life, without knowing what the other one thinks, you cannot have unity as a couple.
Consider how the responsibilities are divided in your home.
Discipline of children
Sit down and work out what is your biggest problem at present
Lack of respect
Lack of communication
Physical / emotional abuse
Religion children’s conduct relatives
Alcohol / drugs/ gambling
*Know the actions that lead to team destruction
Use of silence as punishment
*The road to building your marriage
Be active listening
Remind yourself that things and people change: review and remind yourself this.
Talk to your spouse about the things that you are willing to change in order to make things work. Explain that you want to deal with the issues straight on
Ask for advice: whether you talk to a marriage counselor, family member or friends get advice from several different sources.
Rekindle the romance: spend more time doing things that both like. Focus on what the two of you still have in common. Work on being friends, not just partners.
In conclusion, marriages have to be nurtured, if not, partners fall victim to myriad of problems.
By Ogunkoya Odunayo.
Nigerians And Desperate Quest to Travel Abroad Using Marriage Deception || By Rahaman Onike
WHAT is not clear is the real motive why many Nigerian Youths are desperate to travel abroad. Instead of thinking of what to do within to make fortunes,it has always been a case of everyone trying to travel abroad. Even persons without any specialization or vocational training are not left out of the struggle to break any barrier to escape offshore.
Now adays,young Nigerians go to marriage registry across the country particularly Lagos State for marriage solemnization as part of formalities to secure the travelling documents.
One thing that is amazing about this new trend is that most of the adventurists go for aged women.It sounds somehow seeing a guy of thirty years old asking a woman old enough to be his mother or even grandma’s hand in marriage just to secure Visa to travel abroad.
Assuming most of these marriages are consummated as a product of true love and relationship the better.But the truth is that these guys do not love or sincere rather they are only interested in using the old women to perfect their travelling documents.Sometimes, what played out is nothing but a mere contract between the guys and the aged women.
However, the fact that most of the “arrangee marriages ” by young Nigerians are predisposing factors for sexually transmitted diseases call for caution.
The arrangee marriage thing is largely aided by internet connectivity and social media.
This is a mere observation for deep thoughts by readers.
‘My brother-in-law wants to share bed with me’
A mother of two, Dasola Akinkule, will know on September 6, 2018 whether her prayer to end her eight-year-old marriage to her husband, Tunde Akinkule, will be granted by the Oja-Oba Customary Court, Mapo, Ibadan, Oyo State.
Dasola had told the court that Akinkunle hadn’t shown worthy qualities to be her husband as he was “a pathological liar, wicked, useless and careless about the well-being of the family.”
She said she was once compelled to invite the police to arrest him when he allegedly inflicted serious injuries on her with a stick.
The petitioner said when her husband impregnated her, he took her to his family house to stay with his family rather than secure an apartment for both of them.
When Akinkunle eventually rented a room apartment for them, she added, he brought in his younger brother whom she accused of always insisting on sharing the bed with her whenever she wanted to sleep. She frowned, “How could I sleep beside a mature man who is not my husband?”
Dasola told the court that her frustration reached the peak one day when she returned from work to discover her husband had removed all her belongings from their home.
She asked the court to dissolve the marriage and grant her custody of their two children.
But Akinkunle, a driver who lives in the Ojoo area of Ibadan, said his wife was not being sincere with her allegations against him in the court.
He said his wife was a nurse when he met her but, when she could not practise, he advised her to learn how to operate the computer and invested in the business for her.
The petitioner told the court that it was true that his wife was staying with his mother when she had her first pregnancy because he was then working in northern Nigeria.
The respondent, who presented receipts of computer scanners, generators and other business equipment, accused Dasola’s mother of being the problem he had with his wife, describing her as an “intruder” in the marriage.
The president of the court, Chief Ademola Odunade, requested for more evidence to prove the real owner of the computer business and demanded to see the two children in court on the next adjournment.
Why girls now reach puberty early
Showing all the trappings of a young adult, one would need more than just words to believe that Funke (surname withheld) is just eight years old.
At her age, she already developed breasts, one of the primary indicators of puberty in females. And the way other parts are growing very rapidly would almost give an impression that she’s someone in her early 20s.
But, truly, Funke is eight, according to her dad, who also expressed surprise with the way she’s ‘growing’, and is now unsettled due to the girl’s likely premature sexual attention from men. He is equally unsure if the situation is normal, more so that she has also started menstruating. The medical term for early puberty is called precocious puberty.
Realistically, Funke is not alone and her father’s fear is quite understandable. In fact, her case is a fitting reflection of what now obtains across the world, whereby young girls now show obvious signs of reaching puberty, as against what obtained in the past, say about 20 years ago, when girls wouldn’t exhibit any sign of puberty until about 15 years upwards.
Meanwhile, other indicators of puberty include underarm hair, certain body odour, since the sweat gland would have become active, pubic hair and vaginal discharge, which is a precursor of menarche, the first occurrence of menstruation. All these are now happening to girls below 12, and according to a study published in Paediatrics as far back as 2010, a number of the girls surveyed had reached puberty as early as seven years, evidenced by breast development.
According to a consultant paediatrician, Dr. Rotimi Adesanya, the average age a girl is supposed to attain puberty is 11, but “these days some of them show those signs at age eight.”
However, there are reasons for this early puberty, and it is pertinent to point them out, perhaps to allay the fears of such parents. These reasons include:
Obesity: Literally, obesity is caused by eating too much and moving too little. Thus, if you consume a high quantity of food, particularly fat and sugar, and you don’t burn off the energy through exercise and physical activity, much of the surplus energy will be stored by the body as fat and that leads to overweight or obesity.
This was the explanation given by the National Health Service in the United Kingdom. While it is seen as a general problem, obesity has been found to be a major cause of early puberty, especially in girls. Dr. Adesanya explained that girls now reach puberty early because they eat junk food, snacks, oily food, etc., without doing exercises.
He said these days; children would rather play computer games or play games on their parents’ or siblings’ smartphones rather than go out to do exercise. Thus, that lifestyle of eating without exercising has led to obesity and now makes them to reach puberty early.
He said, “Obesity has strong links with precocious puberty and what favours it is the diet and sedentary lifestyle. Children no longer do exercises; they don’t trek to their school the way we did back then, which helped us to burn fat from our body. So, that is one major cause of early puberty.”
Stress: This is one other factor that has been found to aid early puberty in girls. Adesanya explained that traumatic experiences and emotional problems impact on the female reproductive system. He said this had to do with the interconnection among the brain, emotions and the reproductive system, like the hormones controlling breast growth and menstruation. “Children that go through a traumatic experience or emotional problems may see their period earlier, even though the impact is not as high as that of obesity.
Also, a study by a professor of family studies and human development, Bruce Ellis, and Prof. Marilyn Essex of the University of Wisconsin found that family conflict could influence how early or late girls attain puberty. In the study, which was reviewed on WebMD, a website that provides valuable health information and tools for managing health, they asked the parents of the girls about their economic difficulty, marital problems, parenting style and family stress.
It was revealed that girls who live in families with great parental support and less marital conflict experience their first hormonal changes later in life than girls who live in homes where there are marital conflict, family issues, poor parent support, depressed parents and other such unpleasant issues.
These were identified to be associated with puberty. “Even modest family conflict or stress may influence a young girl’s sexual development and these were the normal stresses of growing up, not serious abuses,” Essex tells WebMD.
Now that it is almost inevitable for children to reach puberty early, because children from the rich or average income earning homes are likely to eat so much or even eat junk food, those from poor homes could be stressed emotionally, and those from either divide could come from home with family issues, girls who show signs of puberty should not be treated as aliens.
This development has no doubt made them endangered species, given the rate of rape and sexual abuse, but parents have been advised to pay more attention to their young female children, because their changing physique could make them attractive to the males, even when they are not mature enough to refuse such (negative) gestures.
An endocrinologist, Dr. Glenn Braunstein, said open communication, nurture, and knowledge of the child’s activities would be good ways to prevent the child from getting into such avoidable troubles. In his analysis on Huffpost, Braunstein said whether puberty arrives early or later at the more expected time, it is always a challenge for children, especially girls and that it was up to parents, guardians and older siblings to help them to be the finest men and women possible, by assisting them through that stage.
He added, “Parental nurture, generally considered a key factor in curbing risk-taking, may be even more important for early-maturing girls. The thinking is that parental influence can help decrease these youngsters’ susceptibility to peer influence, assist them in developing better coping skills and diffuse negative feelings that might turn into negative thoughts and actions.”
Another solution advanced is sex education, which according to experts, will prepare the girls for the change that is to come and what to do when it comes eventually. However, the experts stressed that one way to make this effective is for parents to encourage their children to communicate freely with them.
A consultant paediatric endocrinologist, Dr. Elizabeth Oyenusi, had said at age eight, a female child should be taught about sex, so they don’t learn about it from outside or do so the hard way.
She had said, “Whether for a male or female child, once they clock eight years, parents should talk to them about sex, and there is no need to use nicknames or graphics, more so that such children are exposed to different images on the television or even the Internet. A girl is ready for such education when her breasts begin to come out or when she clocks eight.”
Apart from this, parents are advised to teach their children when to say no, and that in certain (identified) situations, it is okay to say no to an adult. It has also been found to be helpful when children are taught where they should not be touched by others; how to get out of an uncomfortable situation and what to do if the adult wouldn’t let go.
A forensic psychologist and expert in the field of mental health, violence, mental health and addiction, Dr. Kathryn Seifert, in his post on Psychology Today, noted that given the way young girls tend to be susceptible to male attention, even at that young age – since they already show signs of puberty – highlighted ways by which parents could avoid such negative occurrences from happening to their children.
She said parents must encourage their kids to talk to them about how their day went, teach them when to run away from an adult, take action and let them see their parents take action when they make reports, which she said would build their confidence level.
She added, “Teach children that the danger may come from someone they trust. Tell your kids that bad touch is bad touch and no one gets to do it to our bodies. If anyone does bad touch, you go to a grown-up for help. When you are not sure about whether something a grown up is doing is okay, ask another grown up to help you.
“Also, take action if you suspect abuse; understand the signs, such as significant changes in sleeping, eating, mood, or strange behaviour that does not quickly go away; and know where your children are and who they are with at all times.”
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