News
Aso Villa And The Audacity Of Rats
“What’s that sound I am hearing?”
“What sound?”
“I thought I heard something like miaow, miaow…”
“Oh my cats…oh yes…”
“Are you now breeding cats?”
“Not really. But I have just joined a group of concerned Nigerians who are planning to go to the Presidential Villa in Abuja to help sort out this issue of rats that invaded the President’s office and chased him out of his office as the BBC reported.”
“You mean you believe that story?”
“Nobody knows what to believe in this country anymore, but we are patriots, and Baba’s loyalists, and we are determined to make our own contribution. Why don’t you join us?”
“To go and kill rats in Abuja?”
“Yes. Can’t you see that those rats are irresponsible elements? The President travelled for three months and they just took over his office, ate up the furniture in the office and now Baba has to work from home for 3 months while his office would have to be renovated, all at public expense.”
“How on earth would rats invade the President’s office?”
“You like to ask questions. Garba Shehu, the President’s spokesman and an experienced journalist who knows a story is not a story except it is accurate has told us that they are having a problem with rats in the Villa, who are you to doubt him? Have you been to the Villa before?”
“Yes.”
“So, join us. Those rats have crossed national red lines. They must be destroyed relentlessly because they are terrorists and criminals. They are in fact guilty of treasonable felony. What they have done is the equivalent of an attempted coup d’etat! We, the concerned citizens, will not take it. We have a duty to defend this democracy.”
“But why are you bothering yourself? The President has met with the Security Chiefs. And he gave them a marching order to ensure national security. They should know what to do”
“But did they obey the marching order? After their meeting with the President, the other day, they just addressed a press conference and returned to their offices. Not a word about the breach of national security by rats. I was shocked. I expected the service chiefs to march straight to the President’s office and deal with the rats with immediate effect. This is the problem. Baba has around him, people who are not ready to help his administration. Even the Generals, with all their epaulets and combat experience, are running away from common rats! You now see why some of us have decided to take up this matter as patriots?”
“I don’t think anybody will allow you to take cats into the President’s office, though. That may even be more of a threat to national security than the rats invasion.”
“Okay, what do you suggest, we go to the zoo and get lions, jackals and hyenas to attack rats?”
“What will a lion do with rats?”
“That is my point. It is actually a job for cats. Rats flourish in the absence of cats. Don’t you know it is only when the cat is not at home that rats become bold enough to take over the house? As the Yoruba people put it, a i si nile ologinni, ile di ile ekute.”
“Abasi mbok. I could never imagine that a day will come when Okon Calabar will take over Nigeria’s seat of power.”
“Okon Calabar. Who is that?”
“Okon Calabar. That is what we call rats in Calabar. Okon Calabar is not an ordinary rat at all. It has the appetite of about ten men. Have you ever seen a rat that has a pot belly, the effect of pathological gluttony?”
“Jesus”
“That is Okon Calabar. Not even rat poison can kill it. And your cats had better be capable. Okon Calabar’s jaws are like this… strong, frightening. Ugh. In those days, Okon Calabar’s specialty was the family pot of soup. If you left your soup pot carelessly in the kitchen, Okon Calabar will lick all the soup and leave for you a clean pot. The real story is that Okon Calabar has very strong spiritual powers; it is an agent of demons and spirits.”
“Thank you. I think from now on, I will just be very careful. Anybody at all who bears Okon whether a rat or a human being… You now see why Baba had to abandon his office and work from home?”
“But is he actually working from home? I think he is working from the office.”
“The same office where the rats have taken possession?”
“I saw the photograph of the President’s meeting with the Service Chiefs. That is actually not the office in the residence. The office in the residence is small and private. I don’t know why we have to be told he is working from home, when he is actually using a second office which is part of his main office.”
“The people working for him say he is working from home, you say he is actually working from his office, another office. You and your over-sabi.”
“Well, I may be wrong. But the last administration extended the President’s office, by erecting in the green space between the President’s office and the residence, a mini-conference/banquet hall, which has a hall, a diplomatic reception room, a fully fitted kitchen, a Presidential office, a stage, a control room, a newsroom, and a broadcast room where the President can either record or have live broadcast.”
“They may have changed the design of things since you last visited the Villa. So you don’t know”
“But I saw the photographs in the media. The office in that Presidential office extension, is just about 3 minutes walk from the residence. Once the President goes there to hold meetings, he is already effectively in the office. And in any case, was it even necessary to tell us the President is working from home or that rats have chased him away from his office? If they want to change furniture, let them do it. There is no point creating unnecessary news.”
“Your oversabi is getting too much these days.”
“Unnecessary news always generates unnecessary questions. Now, we have been told that N2 billion was actually earmarked for the cleaning and fumigation of the Villa. So, who is responsible for keeping the Villa rodent-free?”
“N4 billion actually. I hear Julius Berger is in charge of the maintenance of the Villa.”
“So, Julius Berger would have to explain to Nigerians how rats invaded the President’s office. Is it that they locked up the place and stopped cleaning it? Ordinarily, every part of the Villa must be kept clean every day. I still don’t believe this rat story. Rats in the President’s office? The BBC in its report was practically laughing at Nigeria. I imagine when next any foreign diplomat is posted to Nigeria, one of his briefing notes would be the need for him to watch out for rats in the Villa. Oyinbo people too like akproko.”
“Do you want to keep writing an essay on this matter or you want to join us? Any small thing, you will just start vibrating.”
“We need to raise questions. But since you insist that the rats story must be true, could that also be the reason why the Federal Executive Council meeting for this week was cancelled?”
“I don’t think so. You should stop worrying about whether a Council meeting is held or not. It is not an issue. There is nothing in the Constitution that says FEC must meet every week or on any particular day. The President can choose to hold cabinet meetings on a- need-arises-basis. It is a matter of choice or style.”
“Okay, if I must join your rat-catchers gang, what is in it for me?”
“Must you always expect to be paid for every service rendered? We are a group of volunteer patriots going to Aso Rock to save it from rats. Oh when the saints/Go marching in/Oh, when the saints go marching in/Oh how I want to be in that number/When the saints go marching in/Oh when the drums begin to bang…/I want to be in that number…. Are you joining us?”
“Wait first. I think before we go to the Villa, we should take Lassa Fever vaccination as a form of protection and candidly, I think everybody in that Villa should be tested for Lassa fever. As you well know, rats are vectors of Lassa fever.”
“I don’t think this matter is that serious.”
“Still, it is better to take precautions. Doctors can be imported from either the UK or the US or the Medecins san frontieres can be called in to help.”
“We have doctors in Nigeria who can administer vaccination if need be.”
“Which Nigerian doctors?”
“It is even the job of a nurse. Vaccination is a simple procedure.”
“If you want me to join the rat-catchers league of patriots, you will first arrange a trip for me to the UK to take a Lassa fever injection, and then I will be prepared.”
“Obviously, you are also afraid of the rats, so, you have to find an excuse to dodge. And to think I have a role for you in this all-important and urgent national assignment.”
“What role?”
“I want you to be our Pied Piper.”
“Pied Piper. What is that?”
“Don’t tell me you have never heard of the Pied Piper? The Piped Piper of Hamelin”
“No. Why should I know him? Does he know me too?”
“Kai. What are they teaching you people in school these days? And you go about pretending to be educated? Kai. Well, I can’t blame you. What should we expect when the universities are running epileptic programmes and the teachers are on strike almost every year?”
“Don’t insult me. What is your point?”
“Okay, I want you to be our Pied Piper, right? You will dress up colourfully, and play a pipe, a flute or a saxophone or a mouth organ, whichever one you can play. You will also carry our company colours”
“Are we a company and what has colours got to do with it?”
“We are a brigade. In military terms, a brigade is also a company. And when you go to war, you must carry your colours. That is another word for the flag. In this case, you will carry the Nigerian flag.”
“But music? Why the music?”
“The Pied Piper of Hamelin played music for the rats that invaded Hamelin in medieval Germany, and led them out of the city and thus saved Hamelin from an epidemic. But you are not going to play music for the rats in Aso Villa. No. No. No. Our strategy is different. We are not going to play music for those rodents and terrorists. We are going to destroy them. The punishment for treason in Nigeria is death, not music. You will play music for the kyanwas and muzuru, to motivate them.”
“And who are those?”
“Cats. Kyanwa- female cats; muzuru- male cats. We did some research and found that cats respond positively to music. No stone will be left unturned on this mission”
“So, how soon are we storming Aso Villa? The whole thing is beginning to look interesting to me.”
“As soon as we finish working out the logistics. See, our strategy is simple. The operation will be codenamed “Operation Kyanwa” by the Hamelin Brigade. The cats will attack and destroy the rats. Then we will fumigate the entire Villa. The furniture will be moved out and replaced. And by God’s grace, the President can return to his Main office, by this time next week, to continue the noble work of leading 190 million Nigerians, without any threat from irresponsible rats.”
“Brilliant”
“I take it that you are with us, then.”
“Ye-s s-ir. “
“Thank you. Let us go and teach the Okon Calabars of Aso Villa, a lesson. God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria.”
By Reuben Abati
The Chairman of the House Committee on the Federal Road Maintenance Agency (FERMA) and representative of Ibarapa East/Ido Federal Constituency in Oyo State, Engr. Aderemi Oseni, on Saturday urged the community to unite in advancing key development projects aimed at transforming Ikogosi.
Speaking at this year’s Ikogosi Day celebration and the launch of a N1 billion development project in Ekiti, the lawmaker, who served as the Chairman of the occasion, emphasised the importance of unity and collective action.
He encouraged attendees to approach the celebration as a call to action for the betterment of their community.
“As we all know, Ikogosi is not merely a town; it is a treasured gem in the heart of Ekiti State and Nigeria as a whole,” he said. “Ikogosi, a historic and vibrant town, plays a vital role in the tourism and economic landscape of Ekiti State. Its rich cultural heritage and unique resources draw visitors and stimulate economic activities that benefit us all.”
“Today is not just a celebration; it is a call to action,” he continued. “Let us come together, united in purpose, to support these transformative projects that promise to uplift the Ikogosi community. I urge everyone here to invest their time, resources, and energy in this endeavor. Together, we can build a legacy of self-help and development that future generations will cherish.”
Reflecting on the broader challenges facing the country, Oseni encouraged the people of Ikogosi and all Nigerians to remain hopeful and resilient, assuring them of President Bola Ahmed Tinubu’s commitment to a brighter future for the nation.
“To the good people of Ikogosi and all citizens of Nigeria, I urge you to remain steadfast and hopeful. President Bola Ahmed Tinubu means well for all Nigerians. The APC-led administration’s Renewed Hope agenda holds the promise of a brighter future. Though the beginnings may be challenging, perseverance will guide us toward a prosperous new Nigeria,” he stated.
In a statement released by his media aide, Idowu Ayodele, the lawmaker lauded the Ekiti State government under Governor Biodun Oyebanji’s leadership for its transformative efforts in governance and development.
He acknowledged the strides made by the governor and praised his impactful initiatives, which have set Ekiti on a progressive path.
“First and foremost, let me commend the Ekiti State government under the leadership of His Excellency, Mr. Biodun Abayomi Oyebanji. The trailblazing development initiatives and effective governance during your tenure have not gone unnoticed,” Oseni remarked.
“Under your stewardship, we have witnessed remarkable progress and commendable governance that have undoubtedly made Ekiti State a shining example of peace and development,” he added.
The Nigerian Minister of Works, David Umahi, has ignited widespread public reaction following his response to recent criticisms by Engr. Aderemi Oseni, Chairman of the House of Representatives Committee on Federal Roads Maintenance Agency (FERMA).
Oseni, who represents Ibarapa East/Ido Federal Constituency in Oyo State, had accused Umahi of neglecting essential infrastructure needs, alleging that the minister has “no plan for the nation.”
At a committee oversight meeting last Thursday, the lawmaker expressed his frustration over the worsening state of roads across the country.
“You are not here to tell us what we already know in the area of resources,” Oseni stated. “If you are telling us the reason you have failed in fixing our road infrastructure is because of resources, don’t let me take you up on that, because you concentrated your energy as a minister on less priority issues.”
Hon. (Engr.) Aderemi Oseni, representing Ibarapa East/Ido federal constituency of Oyo state
In response, Umahi addressed a press briefing at the ministry’s headquarters in Abuja on Monday, dismissing Oseni’s comments.
He remarked that Oseni “had not attained half of what I have achieved in life” and added that he would “not join issues with the lawmaker” out of respect for the Speaker of the House of Representatives and the National Assembly.
Speaking further, the minister suggested that Oseni was representing contractors affected by recent reforms in the Ministry of Works.
“Let me say that I was not physically present at the meeting, nor was my permanent secretary,” Umahi said. “Nobody can talk to me like that in my presence. It’s not possible.”
Public Outcry: Nigerians Demand Accountability
Umahi’s remarks have drawn backlash on social media, where Nigerians urged him to focus on addressing their concerns about deplorable road conditions rather than deflecting criticisms.
Many expressed frustration with the state of federal roads, calling on the minister to prioritize solutions over defensiveness.
“Mr umahi, ur have actually abandoned our existing roads all over Nigeria and focusing on elephants projects”, commented Daniel Morgan. “Travelling from Southwest to Southeast is now by the special grace of God. Please do something and stop criticizing the messenger and look into the massage.”
Charles Anarado added, “No matter how one may look at this matter, Oseni stands on a sound good point that building a new stretch of road for N15trillion that is more than enough to fix all the bad major roads around the country seems indeed to be a misplaced priority. It’s just like parent using the funds meant for paying his children to school to buy a car to take them to school. His decision may seem good but paying school fees should certainly be his priority”.
Calls for Transparency and Priority on Repairs
Other Nigerians joined the conversation, with some social media users demanding more accountability from the minister.
Nnaemeka Mekah voiced frustration over Umahi’s response to criticism, stating, “This short man takes every criticism as a personal attack. Oga minister, MOST NIGERIAN ROADS ARE IMPASSABLE NOW, and you’re doing absolutely nothing about it. Dunno what else you claim to have achieved in life, but as far as Nigerian toads are concerned, you’re a monumental failure”.
Another user, Nanmah Fanto, supported Oseni’s criticisms, commenting, , “The Reps Committee Chairman, was absolutely correct 2 tell Umahi d truth about accountability n Umahi’s lack of given priority 2 existing bad roads, n concentrating on unimportant road construction. I used 2 think Umahi was wise, until that incident I realized that he wasn’t better at all, he’s also thinking of enriching himself at d detriment of fixing our bad roads. Now, I know better, he shouldn’t be given any more funds until he explains how judiciously he spent d #300 billion given to him”.
Meanwhile, Facebook user, Dapo Oyedele suggested a constructive approach, urging Umahi to respond with facts.
“It’s not about joining issues, it’s accountability. The truth is that federal roads are very bad. But your ministry is doing it’s best. The roads are many… Reply the honourable with facts and figures of what has been done in about one and half years and what’s are your plans to improve the situation of the roads as d minister”.
Nationwide Demand for Effective Solutions
Frustration over Nigeria’s roads continued to echo online, with many demanding that Umahi focus on repairing existing infrastructure.
Ogheneovo Peter William, another Facebook user remarked, “I will join issue Because na bitter the lawmaker tell you, Bad roads every, People are suffering from una bad policies, Them people go still suffer bad road”? he questioned.
“It is not about joining the issue with anyone. It is about fixing the existing roads that we have and stop this white elephant project of Lagos calabar costar road”, a user on Facebook, Sunday Adewuyi Adedokun said.
Continuing, Francis Azuka Obukwelu opined on the ‘blue App’, “He should say something about the bad roads in Nigeria”.
The Chairman, House Committee on Federal Roads Maintenance Agency (FERMA), Engr. Aderemi Oseni has made a donation of ten million naira (N10m) towards the Mogajis’ Ile Eke project in Ibadan.
Oseni, who also represents Ibarapa East/Ido Federal Constituency of Oyo State, said the donation is aimed at supporting the Mogajis assembly’s project that holds immense cultural significance for the wider Ibadan community.
According to him, the project will remain a testament to the cultural and historical legacy of Ibadanland as it is expected to preserve the historic relevance of the palace while enhancing its role as a cultural landmark.
In a statement released on Saturday by his media aide, Idowu Ayodele, and made available to newsmen in Ibadan, the lawmaker emphasised the importance of preserving cultural heritage and fostering unity within traditional institutions.
He highlighted that the project would not only elevate the status of the Mogajis’ assembly but also serve as a central hub for promoting Ibadan’s rich cultural history.
“It is a privilege that I was called to be part of the project. If I fail to support it, the project will still be successful, but I believe I have to contribute. My life is dedicated to serving God Almighty, the people, and humanity,” Oseni said.
He further stated, “As a son of the soil, it is my responsibility to contribute to the growth of our shared heritage – Ibadan and by extension, Oyo state as a whole. The Mogajis’ Ile Eke project symbolises our collective identity and unity as a people. This donation is my modest contribution towards ensuring that future generations can connect with their roots.”
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