News
Aso Villa And The Audacity Of Rats
“What’s that sound I am hearing?”
“What sound?”
“I thought I heard something like miaow, miaow…”
“Oh my cats…oh yes…”
“Are you now breeding cats?”
“Not really. But I have just joined a group of concerned Nigerians who are planning to go to the Presidential Villa in Abuja to help sort out this issue of rats that invaded the President’s office and chased him out of his office as the BBC reported.”
“You mean you believe that story?”
“Nobody knows what to believe in this country anymore, but we are patriots, and Baba’s loyalists, and we are determined to make our own contribution. Why don’t you join us?”
“To go and kill rats in Abuja?”
“Yes. Can’t you see that those rats are irresponsible elements? The President travelled for three months and they just took over his office, ate up the furniture in the office and now Baba has to work from home for 3 months while his office would have to be renovated, all at public expense.”
“How on earth would rats invade the President’s office?”
“You like to ask questions. Garba Shehu, the President’s spokesman and an experienced journalist who knows a story is not a story except it is accurate has told us that they are having a problem with rats in the Villa, who are you to doubt him? Have you been to the Villa before?”
“Yes.”
“So, join us. Those rats have crossed national red lines. They must be destroyed relentlessly because they are terrorists and criminals. They are in fact guilty of treasonable felony. What they have done is the equivalent of an attempted coup d’etat! We, the concerned citizens, will not take it. We have a duty to defend this democracy.”
“But why are you bothering yourself? The President has met with the Security Chiefs. And he gave them a marching order to ensure national security. They should know what to do”
“But did they obey the marching order? After their meeting with the President, the other day, they just addressed a press conference and returned to their offices. Not a word about the breach of national security by rats. I was shocked. I expected the service chiefs to march straight to the President’s office and deal with the rats with immediate effect. This is the problem. Baba has around him, people who are not ready to help his administration. Even the Generals, with all their epaulets and combat experience, are running away from common rats! You now see why some of us have decided to take up this matter as patriots?”
“I don’t think anybody will allow you to take cats into the President’s office, though. That may even be more of a threat to national security than the rats invasion.”
“Okay, what do you suggest, we go to the zoo and get lions, jackals and hyenas to attack rats?”
“What will a lion do with rats?”
“That is my point. It is actually a job for cats. Rats flourish in the absence of cats. Don’t you know it is only when the cat is not at home that rats become bold enough to take over the house? As the Yoruba people put it, a i si nile ologinni, ile di ile ekute.”
“Abasi mbok. I could never imagine that a day will come when Okon Calabar will take over Nigeria’s seat of power.”
“Okon Calabar. Who is that?”
“Okon Calabar. That is what we call rats in Calabar. Okon Calabar is not an ordinary rat at all. It has the appetite of about ten men. Have you ever seen a rat that has a pot belly, the effect of pathological gluttony?”
“Jesus”
“That is Okon Calabar. Not even rat poison can kill it. And your cats had better be capable. Okon Calabar’s jaws are like this… strong, frightening. Ugh. In those days, Okon Calabar’s specialty was the family pot of soup. If you left your soup pot carelessly in the kitchen, Okon Calabar will lick all the soup and leave for you a clean pot. The real story is that Okon Calabar has very strong spiritual powers; it is an agent of demons and spirits.”
“Thank you. I think from now on, I will just be very careful. Anybody at all who bears Okon whether a rat or a human being… You now see why Baba had to abandon his office and work from home?”
“But is he actually working from home? I think he is working from the office.”
“The same office where the rats have taken possession?”
“I saw the photograph of the President’s meeting with the Service Chiefs. That is actually not the office in the residence. The office in the residence is small and private. I don’t know why we have to be told he is working from home, when he is actually using a second office which is part of his main office.”
“The people working for him say he is working from home, you say he is actually working from his office, another office. You and your over-sabi.”
“Well, I may be wrong. But the last administration extended the President’s office, by erecting in the green space between the President’s office and the residence, a mini-conference/banquet hall, which has a hall, a diplomatic reception room, a fully fitted kitchen, a Presidential office, a stage, a control room, a newsroom, and a broadcast room where the President can either record or have live broadcast.”
“They may have changed the design of things since you last visited the Villa. So you don’t know”
“But I saw the photographs in the media. The office in that Presidential office extension, is just about 3 minutes walk from the residence. Once the President goes there to hold meetings, he is already effectively in the office. And in any case, was it even necessary to tell us the President is working from home or that rats have chased him away from his office? If they want to change furniture, let them do it. There is no point creating unnecessary news.”
“Your oversabi is getting too much these days.”
“Unnecessary news always generates unnecessary questions. Now, we have been told that N2 billion was actually earmarked for the cleaning and fumigation of the Villa. So, who is responsible for keeping the Villa rodent-free?”
“N4 billion actually. I hear Julius Berger is in charge of the maintenance of the Villa.”
“So, Julius Berger would have to explain to Nigerians how rats invaded the President’s office. Is it that they locked up the place and stopped cleaning it? Ordinarily, every part of the Villa must be kept clean every day. I still don’t believe this rat story. Rats in the President’s office? The BBC in its report was practically laughing at Nigeria. I imagine when next any foreign diplomat is posted to Nigeria, one of his briefing notes would be the need for him to watch out for rats in the Villa. Oyinbo people too like akproko.”
“Do you want to keep writing an essay on this matter or you want to join us? Any small thing, you will just start vibrating.”
“We need to raise questions. But since you insist that the rats story must be true, could that also be the reason why the Federal Executive Council meeting for this week was cancelled?”
“I don’t think so. You should stop worrying about whether a Council meeting is held or not. It is not an issue. There is nothing in the Constitution that says FEC must meet every week or on any particular day. The President can choose to hold cabinet meetings on a- need-arises-basis. It is a matter of choice or style.”
“Okay, if I must join your rat-catchers gang, what is in it for me?”
“Must you always expect to be paid for every service rendered? We are a group of volunteer patriots going to Aso Rock to save it from rats. Oh when the saints/Go marching in/Oh, when the saints go marching in/Oh how I want to be in that number/When the saints go marching in/Oh when the drums begin to bang…/I want to be in that number…. Are you joining us?”
“Wait first. I think before we go to the Villa, we should take Lassa Fever vaccination as a form of protection and candidly, I think everybody in that Villa should be tested for Lassa fever. As you well know, rats are vectors of Lassa fever.”
“I don’t think this matter is that serious.”
“Still, it is better to take precautions. Doctors can be imported from either the UK or the US or the Medecins san frontieres can be called in to help.”
“We have doctors in Nigeria who can administer vaccination if need be.”
“Which Nigerian doctors?”
“It is even the job of a nurse. Vaccination is a simple procedure.”
“If you want me to join the rat-catchers league of patriots, you will first arrange a trip for me to the UK to take a Lassa fever injection, and then I will be prepared.”
“Obviously, you are also afraid of the rats, so, you have to find an excuse to dodge. And to think I have a role for you in this all-important and urgent national assignment.”
“What role?”
“I want you to be our Pied Piper.”
“Pied Piper. What is that?”
“Don’t tell me you have never heard of the Pied Piper? The Piped Piper of Hamelin”
“No. Why should I know him? Does he know me too?”
“Kai. What are they teaching you people in school these days? And you go about pretending to be educated? Kai. Well, I can’t blame you. What should we expect when the universities are running epileptic programmes and the teachers are on strike almost every year?”
“Don’t insult me. What is your point?”
“Okay, I want you to be our Pied Piper, right? You will dress up colourfully, and play a pipe, a flute or a saxophone or a mouth organ, whichever one you can play. You will also carry our company colours”
“Are we a company and what has colours got to do with it?”
“We are a brigade. In military terms, a brigade is also a company. And when you go to war, you must carry your colours. That is another word for the flag. In this case, you will carry the Nigerian flag.”
“But music? Why the music?”
“The Pied Piper of Hamelin played music for the rats that invaded Hamelin in medieval Germany, and led them out of the city and thus saved Hamelin from an epidemic. But you are not going to play music for the rats in Aso Villa. No. No. No. Our strategy is different. We are not going to play music for those rodents and terrorists. We are going to destroy them. The punishment for treason in Nigeria is death, not music. You will play music for the kyanwas and muzuru, to motivate them.”
“And who are those?”
“Cats. Kyanwa- female cats; muzuru- male cats. We did some research and found that cats respond positively to music. No stone will be left unturned on this mission”
“So, how soon are we storming Aso Villa? The whole thing is beginning to look interesting to me.”
“As soon as we finish working out the logistics. See, our strategy is simple. The operation will be codenamed “Operation Kyanwa” by the Hamelin Brigade. The cats will attack and destroy the rats. Then we will fumigate the entire Villa. The furniture will be moved out and replaced. And by God’s grace, the President can return to his Main office, by this time next week, to continue the noble work of leading 190 million Nigerians, without any threat from irresponsible rats.”
“Brilliant”
“I take it that you are with us, then.”
“Ye-s s-ir. “
“Thank you. Let us go and teach the Okon Calabars of Aso Villa, a lesson. God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria.”
By Reuben Abati
The lawmaker representing Ibarapa East/Ido Federal Constituency in the House of Representatives, Engr. Aderemi Oseni, has mourned the death of a chieftain of the All Progressives Congress (APC) in Oyo State and former member of the Oyo State House of Assembly, Hon. Akeem Abimbola Oladipupo, popularly known as Able, describing his demise as a painful loss to the progressive family.
Oladipupo, who represented Ibadan North-West Constituency in the Oyo State House of Assembly, was widely regarded as a grassroots politician and committed party loyalist until his passing.
Oseni, who is also the Chairman, House Committee on Federal Roads Maintenance Agency and the APC candidate for Oyo South Senatorial District, said the late politician’s death had created a vacuum within the party and among those who benefitted from his unwavering commitment to public service.
In a condolence statement issued on Monday by his Media Aide, Idowu Ayodele, and made available to journalists in Ibadan, the Oyo State capital, the federal lawmaker described the late Oladipupo as a dependable progressive, humble political actor and loyal party stalwart whose impact would remain indelible.
He said the deceased dedicated his life to serving humanity, strengthening the progressive movement and supporting the aspirations of many at the grassroots.
Oseni said, “The death of Hon. Akeem Abimbola Oladipupo (Able) came to me as a rude shock. Oyo State and the progressive family have indeed lost a committed, loyal and selfless leader whose passion for service, humility and dedication to the people stood him out.
“He was not just a politician but a bridge-builder, a dependable ally and a grassroots mobiliser who believed strongly in the ideals of our great party. His contributions to the growth of the APC in Oyo State and his service to humanity will remain unforgettable.”
The APC senatorial candidate noted that the late former lawmaker remained steadfast in promoting peace, unity and political development, adding that his simplicity and accessibility endeared him to many across political divides.
According to Oseni, the late politician’s legacy of service and sacrifice would continue to inspire younger politicians and party faithful.
He, however, urged members of the APC, associates and family members of the deceased to take solace in the remarkable life he lived and the positive impact he made during his lifetime.
Oseni also prayed for the repose of the deceased’s soul and for God to grant his family the fortitude to bear the painful loss.
State governors have proposed a new national minimum wage of N100,000 for Nigerian workers as part of efforts to cushion them from the biting effects of inflation and the rising cost of living.
Governor AbdulRahman AbdulRazaq of Kwara State, who is also the Chairman of the Nigeria Governors’ Forum (NGF), disclosed the proposal on Saturday in a post by the state government’s official Facebook page. He said the move aims to improve workers’ welfare while ensuring that government finances remain sustainable.
“State governments recognise the urgent need to improve workers’ welfare in response to the current economic realities facing Nigerians,” AbdulRazaq said.
“We are actively engaging with the Federal Government and organised labour to arrive at a wage structure that is fair to workers and sustainable for government finances.”
The NGF chairman explained that ongoing discussions are focused on balancing the need to boost workers’ purchasing power with the capacity of governments to deliver essential public services and development projects.
“The goal is to improve the living conditions of workers while ensuring that states can continue to meet their obligations and sustain projects that directly impact citizens,” he added.
The proposed N100,000 minimum wage is expected to intensify national debates on salaries, inflation, and broader economic reforms as Nigerians continue to contend with rising food prices, transportation costs, and other living expenses.
Currently, Nigeria’s statutory minimum wage stands at N70,000 per month. Some states, including Lagos, Rivers, and Imo, are already paying above the national benchmark to support workers amid the country’s economic challenges.
Meanwhile, the Nigeria Labour Congress (NLC) has continued to call for a comprehensive review of salaries, insisting that workers deserve a living wage that reflects present-day economic realities rather than merely guaranteeing survival.
The average retail price paid by consumers for Premium Motor Spirit, popularly known as petrol, rose to N1,532.93 per litre in April 2026, representing a 23.69 per cent increase compared to the N1,239.33 recorded in the corresponding period of 2025, findings by the National Bureau of Statistics (NBS) have shown.
The sharp rise in petrol prices came amid mounting inflationary pressure and worsening living costs, with Nigerians grappling with soaring transportation and food expenses that have continued to shrink household purchasing power.
The NBS disclosed this in its Premium Motor Spirit (Petrol) Price Watch for April 2026, released on Friday.
The report further showed that on a month-on-month basis, petrol prices rose by 18.97 per cent from N1,288.54 recorded in March 2026, underscoring persistent volatility in the downstream petroleum market.
A breakdown of prices across states revealed that Yobe recorded the highest average retail price for petrol at N1,599.05 per litre during the review period.
Edo and Bauchi followed closely with average prices of N1,595.74 and N1,589.07, respectively.
However, Niger residents paid the least for petrol at an average of N1,403.89 per litre, while Sokoto and Katsina recorded N1,404.16 and N1,406.28 respectively.
At the zonal level, the South-South recorded the highest average retail price at N1,566.76 per litre, while the North-West posted the lowest at N1,508.81.
The latest petrol price increase comes as millions of Nigerians continue to battle the ripple effects of rising inflation, with higher energy costs worsening transportation fares and the prices of essential commodities.
Similarly, the NBS said the average retail price for refilling a 5kg cylinder of Liquefied Petroleum Gas, also known as cooking gas, rose by 13.73 per cent month-on-month to N8,706.93 in April 2026 from N7,655.73 recorded in March.
On a year-on-year basis, the price increased by 10.42 per cent from N7,885.60 recorded in April 2025.
Lagos recorded the highest average price for refilling a 5kg cylinder at N9,745.10, followed by Nasarawa at N9,451.70 and Bayelsa at N9,422.74.
In contrast, Anambra recorded the lowest average price at N7,204.76, while Ondo and Ogun followed with N7,239.49 and N7,825.75, respectively.
At the regional level, the North-West recorded the highest average retail price for refilling a 5kg cylinder at N9,025.07, followed by the North-East at N8,847.16, while the South-East posted the lowest average price at N8,224.37.
Also, the average retail price for refilling a 12.5kg cylinder of cooking gas increased by 13.89 per cent month-on-month to N22,382.20 in April 2026 from N19,652.83 in March.
Compared to April 2025, the price rose by 10.43 per cent from N20,268.06.
According to the NBS LPG Price Watch for April, Katsina recorded the highest average retail price for refilling a 12.5kg cylinder at N25,596.71, followed by Kogi at N24,558.25 and Gombe at N24,438.97.
Ogun recorded the lowest average price at N19,564.36, while Bauchi and Anambra followed at N20,178.87 and N20,511.90 respectively.
The North-West recorded the highest zonal average retail price for refilling a 12.5kg cylinder at N23,276.95, followed by the North-Central at N22,865.29, while the South-East posted the lowest average at N21,060.92.
The latest figures signal growing pressure on household energy costs, raising concerns over the implications for inflation and the cost of living in the coming months.
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